by Daleen Ayres (& Samantha Clarke)
Most people with periods have experienced some form of PMS in their lives, and for those people, we offer some slightly dark humor to help you deal with the several combined years of your precious life you will spend dealing with this bullshit.
Fun fact: if your period lasts an average of 4 days per month, and you have your period from about ages 13-50, you will bleed for a total of 4.8 combined years of your life, not counting papercuts and bear maulings.
On THAT depressing note…
You Can Tell it’s PMS When:
…. Relegating bathroom trips to your breaks at work makes you feel like you’re in prison
…. It takes a truck lift to get you out of bed
…. People start asking if you’re pregnant (the answer is yes, and the father is nachos)
…. The elliptical machine becomes akin to the Iron Maiden torture device
…. Someone broke into your bathroom and left a funhouse mirror over your sink
…. You cry when you run out of creamer for your coffee, your favorite underwear is in the laundry, or they play a rerun of the Friends episode where Ross and Rachel get back together
…. You feel like you’ve collected an additional personality
…. You start treating potato chips like their own food group
…. You become irritated that people keep asking if you’re ok, when you’re obviously JUST FUCKING FINE, GOD!!
…. Moderately annoying events become front page tragedies – “You put the toilet paper roll on wrong (and yes, there is a wrong way)!? Clearly, you no longer want this relationship!”
…. Your second-closet chair (we all have one) is overloaded with outfit discards that just don’t quite fit right today
…. You swear you can hear your bathing suit and yoga pants mocking you from the closet
…. You’re 100% sure the planet is dying, you’ll never find true love, and Donald Trump will be the next president.
…. Your water bottle contains Pinot Noir
…. Someone cuts you off on the freeway and you immediately go Fast and the Furious on their ass
…. People being happy near you gives you a migraine
…. Even a compliment comes off as undue criticism. “You look beautiful today!” “What, as opposed to how I NORMALLY look?”
…. You expect a medal for completing simple tasks—gold for cleaning the shower, silver for doing the laundry
And the most frustrating thing of all is that you do not actually REALIZE it’s all just PMS until the metaphorical dam breaks, in spite of the last however-many times you’ve had this exact same experience…
…and one month later, you will have completely forgotten and go through the same stupid thing again.
Daleen Ayres is a fully functioning adult woman (26 days out of the month) and mother to the funniest woman this side of the Mississippi, Samantha “Jill” Clarke. Give Daleen some love in the comments and share your funny clue-ins that you or someone you know is drawing near their “monthly time!”